This last week has been absolutely awful. I had to go through something that I have avoided and because of that, it caused great heartache and pain. I was so beyond able to function and shut down completely that I make the decision to go check into a hotel for a couple days. Unfortunately, I did have to go to work because we were short handed due to a girl quitting with no notice. Yes, I will hesitantly admit that I drank a lot, didn't eat, and was on the verge of harming myself. Between the personal pain and the stress at work, I was a mess.
The hotel stay was something I could not afford but in order to stay emotionally and physically safe, I had to leave. During my stay, I stayed in bed and watched TV. I did not drink or do anything stupid. While it wasn't completely productive in processing through the situation, it kept me safe for the time being.
I won't go into detail about what I went through and what caused this "melt down", it was long time coming and it was due to not being able to have healthy relationships. In the past, I would let people walk all over me, convince me that they are right and I am wrong, and eventually just silently deal with the hurt. I would feel like a complete failure because I couldn't do anything right. That was until this time. This time I stood my ground. I said how I felt and didn't let this person try to even talk me into different feelings. I felt betrayed, disrespected, like a fool, embarrassed, hurt, anger, and self hate.
No matter what, I was not going to allow this person to hurt me or disrespect me anymore, period. At the time I didn't realize the impact of what I was saying. I honestly don't know that I can remember everything I said. What I do know is that I was done. That I deserve more. That I do not in any way deserve to repeatedly hurt and disrespected in such a betrayed way. I spoke my mind then went into the negative downward spiral.
It wasn't until I spoke to a friend that I realized how powerful I had been that day. She pointed out that I said the words, "I am worth more than that". Wow, those actually came out of my mouth? First of all, I am so thankful for this friend that didn't judge me or criticize me, or quit talking to me. She listened and most importantly, she pointed out all the positive things I said and did. Finally I did get to talk to my therapist and that's when things really hit. I felt full on feelings of anger and hatred and started to cry. I was and am hurting so much over this. For those that know me, I do not cry, not easily. I know I have more crying and more processing and more figuring things out to do, but I know that I am so thankful for these two people that encourage and support me.
I don't know if I will ever be able to have decent relationships, but I do know that I am a new person. One that won't allow negative into my space and won't allow this betrayal and disrespect anymore. I don't deserve it and neither do my girls. I am focusing on myself and my girls. Doing things I want to do and enjoy doing. Helping my girls know that they deserve more also and they are worth way more than this kind of pain and treatment.
