Definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result.
Something I struggle with is getting out of this cycle. It seems impossible with promises of being different. While things can be different, it doesn't mean better or even less hurtful. I just don't know how to get out of the cycle.
There are many things that can fit into this category. Relationships, food, alcohol, self-harm, and even positive things like drawing or painting. Each time there is a promise of something new. A promise of being in a different place. A promise of being able to handle it. A promise of being in a different place. The problem is that it typically ends the same. With me in pain and hurting and dragging in more and more of the "acting out" behavior trying to fix the original issue. Logically I am completely aware of the fact that I am just covering up the issue and not dealing with it. But being unable to regulate my emotions, it just seems impossible to get out of the cycle.
On the plus side, the more I become aware of what is going on and my disorder(s), the more I can work on them. I am really trying to focus on learning new skills and being able to step back and use them. Maybe someday I will be able to perfect them and get out of this cycle of insanity. This cycle that keeps bringing me back to more pain and hurt.
Insanity...such a scary word!
Monday, July 29, 2013
Saturday, July 27, 2013
Painting
I haven't written a while, mainly because I just don't know what to write. Daily struggles seem so silly to me. Most of the time I am embarrassed by the little things I struggle with. But the truth is, they are real, they are part of me, and they make my world so very difficult.
Today, however, I will write about a struggle/success. This last week I attempted to attend an art class. It was supposed to be a night out with other people that like art, painting, and even wine. The problem...I do not do well in social situations. People scare me and I just assume stay away. Not only that, I haven't painted in a very long time. I am far toooo critical of my work and panic with the lack of perfection. Recently I have tried pencil drawings and feel somewhat comfortable with that. I just don't share them and I know that I can erase and start over.
The class. Well the first step was to sign up, which I did. Second step was actually making the commitment to show up, which I did as well. With much anxiety, I got in my car and headed to the class. Of course I got so lost. My anxiety sky-rocketed. I had urges to act out and wanted to cry. I walked around for half an hour before calling someone for help. It turns out I was in the wrong place all together. Uh oh. Here comes all the negative self-talk. "I am so stupid. Why did you think you could do something like this. I am worthless. I can't do anything right." And so on. I won't write the really bad stuff.
After support and several deep breaths, I got back in my car...and drove to the right place. Sat in my car for a while before getting enough courage to walk in very late. My anxiety was very high, I was extremely embarrassed, my feelings were off the charts, but I walked in anyway. Okay, that part was over. I got there.
Now to paint something. I felt like just getting there was good enough. I would sit for a minute then leave. But there was someone there to assist me in getting caught up on the painting. Ugh. I hurried through, painting fast with a shaky hand and managed to get through the night.
I didn't finish the painting to my satisfaction. I felt hurried and sloppy. I am very critical of my own stuff. I got in my car and gladly drove home. Phew, it was over. When I got home, my girls with waiting with a smile and anxiously wanting to see what I had painted. They loved loved loved it. The painting is currently hanging by the front door.
I am not sure how I feel about it today, but the success of the whole thing was just that I did it despite all the anxiety, bumps to get there, and negative feelings I have about painting with color. And everyday my girls look at it in amazement that I could actually do that. I am not sure if I will go back, but I am leaning toward yes. I have a couple of people that have volunteered to go with me to make it easier so we shall see. There is a huge part of me that wants to so badly get back into something I really love doing. Art and creating!!!!
Today, however, I will write about a struggle/success. This last week I attempted to attend an art class. It was supposed to be a night out with other people that like art, painting, and even wine. The problem...I do not do well in social situations. People scare me and I just assume stay away. Not only that, I haven't painted in a very long time. I am far toooo critical of my work and panic with the lack of perfection. Recently I have tried pencil drawings and feel somewhat comfortable with that. I just don't share them and I know that I can erase and start over.
The class. Well the first step was to sign up, which I did. Second step was actually making the commitment to show up, which I did as well. With much anxiety, I got in my car and headed to the class. Of course I got so lost. My anxiety sky-rocketed. I had urges to act out and wanted to cry. I walked around for half an hour before calling someone for help. It turns out I was in the wrong place all together. Uh oh. Here comes all the negative self-talk. "I am so stupid. Why did you think you could do something like this. I am worthless. I can't do anything right." And so on. I won't write the really bad stuff.
After support and several deep breaths, I got back in my car...and drove to the right place. Sat in my car for a while before getting enough courage to walk in very late. My anxiety was very high, I was extremely embarrassed, my feelings were off the charts, but I walked in anyway. Okay, that part was over. I got there.
Now to paint something. I felt like just getting there was good enough. I would sit for a minute then leave. But there was someone there to assist me in getting caught up on the painting. Ugh. I hurried through, painting fast with a shaky hand and managed to get through the night.
I didn't finish the painting to my satisfaction. I felt hurried and sloppy. I am very critical of my own stuff. I got in my car and gladly drove home. Phew, it was over. When I got home, my girls with waiting with a smile and anxiously wanting to see what I had painted. They loved loved loved it. The painting is currently hanging by the front door.
I am not sure how I feel about it today, but the success of the whole thing was just that I did it despite all the anxiety, bumps to get there, and negative feelings I have about painting with color. And everyday my girls look at it in amazement that I could actually do that. I am not sure if I will go back, but I am leaning toward yes. I have a couple of people that have volunteered to go with me to make it easier so we shall see. There is a huge part of me that wants to so badly get back into something I really love doing. Art and creating!!!!
Saturday, July 6, 2013
"Just Give Me A Reason"
Songs mean a lot to me. I am not sure why, but the words usually hit me pretty hard. With that said, this is one of my favorites right now. It's by Pink, Just Give Me A Reason.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OpQFFLBMEPI
My interpretation is that it's about a couple that goes through this time of falling out of love trying to figure out how to love again. It goes deeper than that so you'll have to listen to it, but I will explain why it touches me so much.
As a sufferer of BPD, relationships in general are very difficult. We love hard, love easily, hate hard, and hate easily. Not just in romantic ways. With friends, family, children, pets, people in the line at the grocery store, yeah, pretty much everyone we come in contact with. I have learned to put up walls so high that I rarely let people in close enough to have a chance. When a person tried to break that wall, I push them away. It's a natural process that is so automatic, I don't even realize it happens.
Back to the song - it makes me think that maybe through all the abuse, the relationships, the experiences I have had through out my life, just maybe, maybe I am not completely broken. That maybe I can learn to love again, and learn to love in a healthy way and keep relationships without pushing them away. I like to listen to the hope that Pink sings about.
After a conversation with someone, I needed to hear this song or at least know that I am not completely hopeless. This person said, "you're a quitter, plain and simple and I feel sorry for your kids" Ouch!!! That was mean and hurt me to the core. I did start crying right away and went into this downward spiral of negative things. This person, who supposedly cares about me and calls me a friend has hurt me where people can hurt me the most. My children.
It's bad enough that I have my own feelings of doubt, failure, guilt, etc about being a parent. I am hard enough on myself that I definitely do not need people saying such hurtful things to me. Almost a week later, I am still very hurt and still not able to regulate that emotion. What if this person is right? What if I am a quitter? What if my kids need people to feel sorry for them? What right do I have to even be a parent?
Sometimes I wish people were more careful with their words. Most of the time I wish I was more careful with my words, especially the ones I say to myself. I have to have hope that I can "learn to to love again" as Pink sings. I have to have hope that I am just bent. My reason is my kids even though I want to give up most of the time. Small hope, small reason, but I have to hope that I can love.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OpQFFLBMEPI
My interpretation is that it's about a couple that goes through this time of falling out of love trying to figure out how to love again. It goes deeper than that so you'll have to listen to it, but I will explain why it touches me so much.
As a sufferer of BPD, relationships in general are very difficult. We love hard, love easily, hate hard, and hate easily. Not just in romantic ways. With friends, family, children, pets, people in the line at the grocery store, yeah, pretty much everyone we come in contact with. I have learned to put up walls so high that I rarely let people in close enough to have a chance. When a person tried to break that wall, I push them away. It's a natural process that is so automatic, I don't even realize it happens.
Back to the song - it makes me think that maybe through all the abuse, the relationships, the experiences I have had through out my life, just maybe, maybe I am not completely broken. That maybe I can learn to love again, and learn to love in a healthy way and keep relationships without pushing them away. I like to listen to the hope that Pink sings about.
After a conversation with someone, I needed to hear this song or at least know that I am not completely hopeless. This person said, "you're a quitter, plain and simple and I feel sorry for your kids" Ouch!!! That was mean and hurt me to the core. I did start crying right away and went into this downward spiral of negative things. This person, who supposedly cares about me and calls me a friend has hurt me where people can hurt me the most. My children.
It's bad enough that I have my own feelings of doubt, failure, guilt, etc about being a parent. I am hard enough on myself that I definitely do not need people saying such hurtful things to me. Almost a week later, I am still very hurt and still not able to regulate that emotion. What if this person is right? What if I am a quitter? What if my kids need people to feel sorry for them? What right do I have to even be a parent?
Sometimes I wish people were more careful with their words. Most of the time I wish I was more careful with my words, especially the ones I say to myself. I have to have hope that I can "learn to to love again" as Pink sings. I have to have hope that I am just bent. My reason is my kids even though I want to give up most of the time. Small hope, small reason, but I have to hope that I can love.
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