I ended my last post with "Silence is hell!" I have been thinking about that statement since then and know that I can expand on what that means for me. It's a very true statement!
Ever since I can remember, I have always had to have music or the TV on. It didn't even matter what it was. I just needed noise. Of course when I was younger, I didn't know why. I remember long quiet car rides that were just torture. My skin would crawl and I felt like I could jump out of my own skin. Other times I would pace the floor in hopes of feeling better, not be able to sleep if it was quiet, and have an incredible amount of anxiety.
Getting older and learning new ways to "act-out" to get rid of the silence, didn't help. All it did was end up with me in treatment, therapy, and people telling me to stop. Even then I still didn't completely understand why. Why, after so many years of treatment, do I still suffer? Not only do I answers now, I can understand more and more about myself. Like the silence.
Much of the time, I feel like a hamster running on the wheel non-stop. My brain just doesn't stop. The more I tell it to stop, the faster it runs. I have tried everything, but still running, especially in the silence. I can't sit in a quiet car. Or go to bed without the TV on. Or sit and wait at an event for it to start. Or even sit at work during a slow, quiet moment. I am trapped on this wheel with no way out.
Silence is not pretty, not for me!
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Monday, May 27, 2013
In My Head
While I would rather be able to say something profound or meaningful, I can't. I have thought and thought and just can't think of anything to say.
I have been stuck in my head all weekend doesn't anything and everything to get out. Depression wins. I feel empty and useless. Sadness.
Silence is hell!
I have been stuck in my head all weekend doesn't anything and everything to get out. Depression wins. I feel empty and useless. Sadness.
Silence is hell!
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Confusing Emotions
One thing that I have known about myself is how confused I get by my feelings. Since I was little, really ever since I can remember, I have not been able to have a clear picture of them. I haven't been able to identify them nor could I verbalize them. I remember being told often how wrong I am so I quit talking. Most of my childhood and adult life was spent in my head. Spinning and stirring, stirring and spinning with some convincing myself that whatever I was feeling was wrong anyway so just make it go away.
Living a life of trying to get rid of everything inside you is very exhausting. All my anger and confusion was always towards myself. I took it all out on me and no one else. From the outside most people would see a quiet, shy good little girl, but on the inside things ran so deep, I did what I could to shut it all up. From pacing to hurting myself to counting to not eating. Growing older didn't help either. Things just got worse as I learned new ways to help control my emotions, not to mention more and more emotions to cause turmoil.
I still don't understand why I feel things so deeply or why I can't let things go as easy as others seem to. Logically, because of all the treatment I have received thus far, I can say why, but an actual understanding is different. I still struggle with being able to let things go and not take things so hard. For example, today I was watching something on TV at work and haven't been able to shake it. I have even disconnected from the world to the point of not remembering things that happened at work. I am and have been so engrossed in the emotion that I can't even pinpoint.
Somehow I don't think it's fair. I watch other people function and work and have conversations and wish so badly to be like them. To be move on. To not let this emotion overtake my day. An emotion that I can't even pin point. The only reason I can even type this is because I "acted out" to numb the emotions enough to focus more.
I really do hate that I can't focus like others. That I can't figure out what is really going on. That I can't identify my emotions and why they are there. I feel like I spend my life on a never-ending Ferris Wheel and I want it to just stop so I can get off and breath for a minute.
Living a life of trying to get rid of everything inside you is very exhausting. All my anger and confusion was always towards myself. I took it all out on me and no one else. From the outside most people would see a quiet, shy good little girl, but on the inside things ran so deep, I did what I could to shut it all up. From pacing to hurting myself to counting to not eating. Growing older didn't help either. Things just got worse as I learned new ways to help control my emotions, not to mention more and more emotions to cause turmoil.
I still don't understand why I feel things so deeply or why I can't let things go as easy as others seem to. Logically, because of all the treatment I have received thus far, I can say why, but an actual understanding is different. I still struggle with being able to let things go and not take things so hard. For example, today I was watching something on TV at work and haven't been able to shake it. I have even disconnected from the world to the point of not remembering things that happened at work. I am and have been so engrossed in the emotion that I can't even pinpoint.
Somehow I don't think it's fair. I watch other people function and work and have conversations and wish so badly to be like them. To be move on. To not let this emotion overtake my day. An emotion that I can't even pin point. The only reason I can even type this is because I "acted out" to numb the emotions enough to focus more.
I really do hate that I can't focus like others. That I can't figure out what is really going on. That I can't identify my emotions and why they are there. I feel like I spend my life on a never-ending Ferris Wheel and I want it to just stop so I can get off and breath for a minute.
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Dyslexia
Dyslexia is when the brain fails to recognize certain symbols. It is considered a learning disability as the people that suffer from this have trouble reading and writing. They can even struggle with math problems. They mix up the letters and numbers and things are jumbled. Fortunately there are ways that those can learn around their disability, so to speak. They have a different way of learning, so they can properly process what they are seeing. Growing up I did have a class mate that struggled with this and back then, yes I am old, it had this stigma surrounding it. It was something to fear and something that made you different. Different was bad.
So what does dyslexia have to do with me and BPD? BPD can be easily described somewhat like dyslexia. Things, conversations, situations, and so much more enter the brain and are processed typically in a healthy "normal" way. People can make decisions and develop relationships based on processing these things. People, like myself, with BPD, can not process emotions, conversations, etc. that same way. It goes in jumbled and processes jumbled and comes out jumbled. Instead of not being able to recognize symbols, my brain can not recognize emotions for what they are. Of course it is more complicated than that, but that's a simple way for me to understand more and to try to process what all this means.
What frustrates me the most is that I have spent wasted time trying to look back and figure out every situation I can remember and what I did or didn't do that I shouldn't have. What emotional reactions have I had that were unreasonable? Were there any that were healthy or balanced? What people in my life have I pushed away that I shouldn't have? Which leads to my next set of questions. Will I ever be able to have the relationships I so desire? Does my future hold any hope in more than just trying live each day? Will I be able to connect the way I want to with others? Will I ever be able to stop getting so angry I hurt myself?
There is good news. There is hope. There are tools and ways I can learn to process emotions and people in a healthy way just like there are tools for those with dyslexia. Fortunately for me, I have received treatment for my eating disorder, so I do have a start on those tools. Because of this disorder, I have avoided and pushed away some of the help I do need. This is a hard fight. It's even harder now because I question and stop myself at almost every thought and feeling. I don't know what's real and what is not. What's a 6 and what's a 9?
I do have a plan though. What I do know is that I will continue to battle everyday. I am terrified of the future. I am terrified of my feelings and I am terrified of hurting those around me, especially my children.
So what does dyslexia have to do with me and BPD? BPD can be easily described somewhat like dyslexia. Things, conversations, situations, and so much more enter the brain and are processed typically in a healthy "normal" way. People can make decisions and develop relationships based on processing these things. People, like myself, with BPD, can not process emotions, conversations, etc. that same way. It goes in jumbled and processes jumbled and comes out jumbled. Instead of not being able to recognize symbols, my brain can not recognize emotions for what they are. Of course it is more complicated than that, but that's a simple way for me to understand more and to try to process what all this means.
What frustrates me the most is that I have spent wasted time trying to look back and figure out every situation I can remember and what I did or didn't do that I shouldn't have. What emotional reactions have I had that were unreasonable? Were there any that were healthy or balanced? What people in my life have I pushed away that I shouldn't have? Which leads to my next set of questions. Will I ever be able to have the relationships I so desire? Does my future hold any hope in more than just trying live each day? Will I be able to connect the way I want to with others? Will I ever be able to stop getting so angry I hurt myself?
There is good news. There is hope. There are tools and ways I can learn to process emotions and people in a healthy way just like there are tools for those with dyslexia. Fortunately for me, I have received treatment for my eating disorder, so I do have a start on those tools. Because of this disorder, I have avoided and pushed away some of the help I do need. This is a hard fight. It's even harder now because I question and stop myself at almost every thought and feeling. I don't know what's real and what is not. What's a 6 and what's a 9?
I do have a plan though. What I do know is that I will continue to battle everyday. I am terrified of the future. I am terrified of my feelings and I am terrified of hurting those around me, especially my children.
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Just Learning
First I want to welcome you to my blog about Borderline Personality Disorder. I live and battle everyday to manage this mental illness and want to share with you my experiences. While I do not have a severe case, I do suffer just the same.
Just what is BPD?
According to the Mayo Clinic website; http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/borderline-personality-disorder/DS00442...
Just what is BPD?
According to the Mayo Clinic website; http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/borderline-personality-disorder/DS00442...
"Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a mental health disorder that generates significant emotional instability. This can lead to a variety of other stressful mental and behavioral problems.
With borderline personality disorder, you may have a severely distorted self-image and feel worthless and fundamentally flawed. Anger, impulsiveness and frequent mood swings may push others away, even though you may desire to have loving and lasting relationships."
I encourage all of you to do your own research and talk to your mental health professional, as this is just a small part of what it really is. I will list more websites at the end that you can look at if you so desire.
My experience with learning this has been depressing, confusing, and very disappointing. This came to be after starting treatment for an eating disorder, which can be a symptom of BPD; my eating disorder has been the main focus of my treatment and recovery. It took me a long time, years, to accept that I suffer from this. My first reaction was "what? no way, I am not crazy" and "that can't be, I try so hard to just be normal." After that denial, came sadness. A lot of depression and unbelief. Still in somewhat denial, telling myself it is just depression, nothing more. Next came the acceptance. That is where is stopped though.
Today, I still sit with it, not completely sure I understand it and still frustrated. Because of all the treatment I have received thus far, 8 years all together, I can recognize more about myself and sometimes I have even been able to curb some of the impulsive behaviors. What saddens me the most though is that I am unsure if I will be able to ever have any healthy or long term relationships, whether it be with male or female. This thought has paralyzed me for much of the past, because as many of us that suffer know, this is all we want so badly.
Because of being triggered today, I sit here tonight most likely trying to re-accept this fact about me. Trying to tell myself over and over again that it doesn't make me a bad person or even a crazy person. Just a person that has to struggle and fight everyday in a different way than others. Being different doesn't make me unlovable, hated, bad, or worthless, it simply means that I am me and I need to learn to be me!
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