"Just Give Me A Reason"

Songs mean a lot to me. I am not sure why, but the words usually hit me pretty hard. With that said, this is one of my favorites right now. It's by Pink, Just Give Me A Reason.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OpQFFLBMEPI

My interpretation is that it's about a couple that goes through this time of falling out of love trying to figure out how to love again. It goes deeper than that so you'll have to listen to it, but I will explain why it touches me so much.

As a sufferer of BPD, relationships in general are very difficult. We love hard, love easily, hate hard, and hate easily. Not just in romantic ways. With friends, family, children, pets, people in the line at the grocery store, yeah, pretty much everyone we come in contact with. I have learned to put up walls so high that I rarely let people in close enough to have a chance. When a person tried to break that wall, I push them away. It's a natural process that is so automatic, I don't even realize it happens.

Back to the song - it makes me think that maybe through all the abuse, the relationships, the experiences I have had through out my life, just maybe, maybe I am not completely broken. That maybe I can learn to love again, and learn to love in a healthy way and keep relationships without pushing them away. I like to listen to the hope that Pink sings about.

After a conversation with someone, I needed to hear this song or at least know that I am not completely hopeless. This person said, "you're a quitter, plain and simple and I feel sorry for your kids" Ouch!!! That was mean and hurt me to the core. I did start crying right away and went into this downward spiral of negative things. This person, who supposedly cares about me and calls me a friend has hurt me where people can hurt me the most. My children.

It's bad enough that I have my own feelings of doubt, failure, guilt, etc about being a parent. I am hard enough on myself that I definitely do not need people saying such hurtful things to me. Almost a week later, I am still very hurt and still not able to regulate that emotion. What if this person is right? What if I am a quitter? What if my kids need people to feel sorry for them? What right do I have to even be a parent?

Sometimes I wish people were more careful with their words. Most of the time I wish I was more careful with my words, especially the ones I say to myself. I have to have hope that I can "learn to to love again" as Pink sings. I have to have hope that I am just bent. My reason is my kids even though I want to give up most of the time. Small hope, small reason, but I have to hope that I can love.