Dyslexia

Dyslexia is when the brain fails to recognize certain symbols. It is considered a learning disability as the people that suffer from this have trouble reading and writing. They can even struggle with math problems. They mix up the letters and numbers and things are jumbled. Fortunately there are ways that those can learn around their disability, so to speak. They have a different way of learning, so they can properly process what they are seeing. Growing up I did have a class mate that struggled with this and back then, yes I am old, it had this stigma surrounding it. It was something to fear and something that made you different. Different was bad.

So what does dyslexia have to do with me and BPD? BPD can be easily described somewhat like dyslexia. Things, conversations, situations, and so much more enter the brain and are processed typically in a healthy "normal" way. People can make decisions and develop relationships based on processing these things. People, like myself, with BPD, can not process emotions, conversations, etc. that same way. It goes in jumbled and processes jumbled and comes out jumbled. Instead of not being able to recognize symbols, my brain can not recognize emotions for what they are. Of course it is more complicated than that, but that's a simple way for me to understand more and to try to process what all this means.

What frustrates me the most is that I have spent wasted time trying to look back and figure out every situation I can remember and what I did or didn't do that I shouldn't have. What emotional reactions have I had that were unreasonable? Were there any that were healthy or balanced? What people in my life have I pushed away that I shouldn't have? Which leads to my next set of questions. Will I ever be able to have the relationships I so desire? Does my future hold any hope in more than just trying live each day? Will I be able to connect the way I want to with others? Will I ever be able to stop getting so angry I hurt myself?

There is good news. There is hope. There are tools and ways I can learn to process emotions and people in a healthy way just like there are tools for those with dyslexia. Fortunately for me, I have received treatment for my eating disorder, so I do have a start on those tools. Because of this disorder, I have avoided and pushed away some of the help I do need. This is a hard fight. It's even harder now because I question and stop myself at almost every thought and feeling. I don't know what's real and what is not. What's a 6 and what's a 9?

I do have a plan though. What I do know is that I will continue to battle everyday. I am terrified of the future. I am terrified of my feelings and I am terrified of hurting those around me, especially my children.