Confusing Emotions

One thing that I have known about myself is how confused I get by my feelings. Since I was little, really ever since I can remember, I have not been able to have a clear picture of them. I haven't been able to identify them nor could I verbalize them. I remember being told often how wrong I am so I quit talking. Most of my childhood and adult life was spent in my head. Spinning and stirring, stirring and spinning with some convincing myself that whatever I was feeling was wrong anyway so just make it go away.

Living a life of trying to get rid of everything inside you is very exhausting. All my anger and confusion was always towards myself. I took it all out on me and no one else. From the outside most people would see a quiet, shy good little girl, but on the inside things ran so deep, I did what I could to shut it all up. From pacing to hurting myself to counting to not eating. Growing older didn't help either. Things just got worse as I learned new ways to help control my emotions, not to mention more and more emotions to cause turmoil.

I still don't understand why I feel things so deeply or why I can't let things go as easy as others seem to. Logically, because of all the treatment I have received thus far, I can say why, but an actual understanding is different. I still struggle with being able to let things go and not take things so hard. For example, today I was watching something on TV at work and haven't been able to shake it. I have even disconnected from the world to the point of not remembering things that happened at work. I am and have been so engrossed in the emotion that I can't even pinpoint.

Somehow I don't think it's fair. I watch other people function and work and have conversations and wish so badly to be like them. To be move on. To not let this emotion overtake my day. An emotion that I can't even pin point. The only reason I can even type this is because I "acted out" to numb the emotions enough to focus more.

I really do hate that I can't focus like others. That I can't figure out what is really going on. That I can't identify my emotions and why they are there. I feel like I spend my life on a never-ending Ferris Wheel and I want it to just stop so I can get off and breath for a minute.