I ended my last post with "Silence is hell!" I have been thinking about that statement since then and know that I can expand on what that means for me. It's a very true statement!
Ever since I can remember, I have always had to have music or the TV on. It didn't even matter what it was. I just needed noise. Of course when I was younger, I didn't know why. I remember long quiet car rides that were just torture. My skin would crawl and I felt like I could jump out of my own skin. Other times I would pace the floor in hopes of feeling better, not be able to sleep if it was quiet, and have an incredible amount of anxiety.
Getting older and learning new ways to "act-out" to get rid of the silence, didn't help. All it did was end up with me in treatment, therapy, and people telling me to stop. Even then I still didn't completely understand why. Why, after so many years of treatment, do I still suffer? Not only do I answers now, I can understand more and more about myself. Like the silence.
Much of the time, I feel like a hamster running on the wheel non-stop. My brain just doesn't stop. The more I tell it to stop, the faster it runs. I have tried everything, but still running, especially in the silence. I can't sit in a quiet car. Or go to bed without the TV on. Or sit and wait at an event for it to start. Or even sit at work during a slow, quiet moment. I am trapped on this wheel with no way out.
Silence is not pretty, not for me!
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